


take the crown, hear the sound

by kamunamis



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Established Relationship, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Minor Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham, Other, Self-Discovery, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Saihara Shuichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamunamis/pseuds/kamunamis
Summary: Shuichi is envious of people like Kaede and Kazuichi, who seem so… happy and confident of themselves no matter what. She wishes she could feel the same way.She didn’t used to hate her body. She didn’t use to hate the feminine wardrobe she has in her closet right now. Hell, earlier this year she was fine wearing dresses when she went to school dances with Kokichi.But now, the thought of wearing a dress, or anything even remotely feminine, makes her cringe. It makes her stomach churn and leaves an unsettling feeling in, well, everywhere.She hates it.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 99





	take the crown, hear the sound

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this fic for myself and myself only <3 i got into the danganronpa series about two months ago and about a month ago i'd started v3 and decided to write a long fic on a whim instead of working on my many, _many_ event fics.
> 
> thank you to [tara](https://itsmyusualweeb.carrd.co), for beta reading this fic and making it look like it's not just word vomit and gender feels. and thank you to [addy](https://addison-nicole.carrd.co), for listening to me ramble about this fic the whole time i was writing it.

Shuichi spends her eighteenth birthday unpacking boxes at her dorm. It’s not the most ideal way to celebrate becoming an adult, but nothing could ever feel more adult than moving away from your childhood home.

Her boyfriend Kokichi sits on top of the luggage on the bed, bouncing up and down. He’s  _ supposed  _ to be helping Shuichi out; that’s the whole reason why he’s here in the first place, but he’s just lounging around. It doesn’t bother Shuichi in the slightest though. She’s excited to spend time with her boyfriend, especially now that they’re in separate schools halfway across the city from each other. 

She wishes that they were in the same year so that they wouldn’t have to be apart, as childish and as clingy as that sounds. Had Shuichi not skipped kindergarten, it could’ve happened.

“Please stop,” Shuichi says without looking up from her box. “You’re going to break the bed or something.”

Kokichi simply laughs in response. “That’s not the first time I’ve broken the bed,” he says mischievously, which causes Shuichi to blush profusely.

“Hey!” Shuichi yelps, embarrassed. She turns around to see Kokichi smiling from cheek to cheek.

“Am I wrong?”

Shuichi sighs. “No, you’re not.” She takes the remaining items out of her box and sets them down on the ground before folding the box up to put it away. “I think that’s the last of it.”

Kokichi hops off of the suitcase. “Yay!” he says excitedly. “Now you just have to wait until classes start next week.”

Shuichi groans. “Yeah… I’m nervous,” she admits.

“Don’t be!” Kokichi says. “If there’s anyone smart enough to get through university, it’s you, Saihara-chan.”

“Thanks…”

Kokichi walks over and plants a kiss on her forehead. “Of course. Now, let’s get dinner, I’m starving.”

Shuichi nods, following him out the door.

While going to dinner with Kokichi should be a happy moment, Shuichi feels a tightness in her chest as she realizes that she’s growing older.

Kokichi picks a fast food restaurant for their dinner date. It’s not as if they can afford anything else anyway, Shuichi quit her summer job recently and Kokichi refuses to perform manual labor any more than he already has to for school. He stares at the menu for a moment before tugging on Shuichi’s sleeve. “Hey, order for us, I’m going to save a table.”

Before Shuichi can answer, Kokichi has already skipped away happily. She sighs and nervously looks up at the menu screen on top. It’s hard for her to do simple tasks alone. She knows Kokichi didn’t mean any harm by leaving her to order on her own, but she’s starting to shiver a bit.

As she reaches the counter, she stutters out an order for a sandwich and drinks combo.

“You’re gonna have to speak up a little louder, missy, I can’t hear you over the fryer,” the employee says.

Shuichi starts feeling an unsettling feeling after hearing ‘missy,’ but decides that that’s the least of her worries right now. She gulps and does her best to speak louder, repeating her order, although she’s frustrated when the words barely come out of her mouth. The employee seems to understand, thankfully, so she passes over a notepad and ballpoint pen. Shuichi scrambles and writes down her order in chicken scratch before handing the notepad back.

She waits around for a few minutes before grabbing the food at the pick-up counter. Kokichi immediately digs in when she gets back to the table.

“Ah, Saihara-chan! Thank you,” Kokichi says with his mouth full. Shuichi sneaks a picture with her phone before he can notice.

“You’re welcome,” Shuichi says simply. She’s still shivering slightly from having to order but she’ll calm down eventually. She takes a bite out of her own sandwich and starts eating.

Kokichi puts his sandwich down not too long after that, having only eaten half of it.

Shuichi frowns. “You should finish that.”

“Don’t wanna,” Kokichi says stubbornly. 

“ _ Kichi,”  _ she says sternly. “Please?”

Kokichi and Shuichi end up in a staring contest, although Shuichi ends up winning. Kokichi doesn’t usually have the stamina or the patience for these, yet he still challenges her anyway.

“Fine,” Kokichi says as he shoves the second half of his sandwich into his mouth. “Happy?”

Shuichi wants to tell Kokichi to slow down as to not choke on his food but decides against it. Kokichi is stubborn, this much is true.

“As long as you’re eating, I’m happy,” Shuichi says instead.

“I love it when my Shumai is happy!”

Shuichi giggles slightly.

Once they’re done eating, they walk back to Shuichi’s campus, where Shuichi is immediately greeted with flyers for a sorority.

“You should join us!” the girl in the doorway says excitedly. “It would be a good way to bond with your fellow girls!”

Shuichi starts feeling uncomfortable at the thought of that. It’s not the first time she’s felt uncomfortable being associated with girls, but she’s not even sure  _ why  _ she feels so uncomfortable. Every time she’s grouped in with other girls, it feels… off-putting. Like a piece from the wrong puzzle. Her parents have told her time and time again that there’s no reason for her to feel this way, that she just needs to find the right girls to hang out with. Sure, she’s found her classmates Maki and Kaede to be good  _ girl  _ friends, but that didn’t really solve her problems.

It’s not  _ just  _ her parents though. Lots of authority figures in her life have mentioned things about how unladylike she is at times. Hell, even the police secretary told her that she’s not fit for the job on her first day at her internship.

(“A young lady like you shouldn’t be subjected to such horrible things, goodness!” she said upon meeting her.

Shuichi grumbled. “You’re a lady too, aren’t you?” she wanted to say, except she didn’t, because she absolutely did not want to be fired on her first day.)

For a former detective intern, Shuichi still has trouble discerning her feelings.

“I think I’m good, thank you,” she mumbles out before taking Kokichi’s hand and walking past to head to her dorm.

Kokichi doesn’t have to leave for a couple more hours, so the two sit on Shuichi’s bed and decide to watch a movie together. Shuichi can’t really seem to focus on the movie though, still dwelling on what happened earlier today.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by Kokichi. It’s as if Kokichi just  _ knows  _ whenever Shuichi is feeling down in the dumps.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks her, pausing the movie.

Shuichi shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“I know you know. Don’t lie to me, lying is my thing.”

Shuichi laughs at that. She takes a deep breath. “About the sorority thing. Is it bad that I don’t really want to join one even though people keep telling me that I should act more like a girl?”

Kokichi shrugs. “I don’t think so. I think you should be allowed to hang out with whoever you want to hang out with. You’re happy with who your friends are, right?”

Shuichi nods.

“There you go. Hey, Saihara-chan, don’t worry about that right now, okay?” Kokichi says, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. “Let’s enjoy the moment.”

Shuichi lays her head on Kokichi’s shoulder and they continue the movie. She almost falls asleep on Kokichi’s chest, feeling the calming rhythm of his heartbeat and the way his chest rises up and down as he’s breathing.

Once the movie is over, Kokichi packs his things up, waiting to go home, although he doesn’t seem like he  _ wants  _ to go home. His arms are wrapped tightly around Shuichi’s waist.

“Kichi, you have to go home,” Shuichi reasons. “I don’t want you to leave either, but you’re not allowed to stay here, we’ll get in trouble.”

“Don’t care.” Kokichi tosses his backpack to the other side of the room.

“Kichi,” Shuichi repeats sternly. “We’ll see each other again next weekend, you know this.”

Kokichi sighs. “Fine, fine.” He slowly inches himself off of the bed and grabs the backpack he just tossed.

Shuichi grabs his jacket hanging on his bedpost before heading outside with Kokichi. She takes him down to the bus station close to the entrance of campus and they stand there hugging in silence for a few minutes.

“You’ll be okay without me, right?” Shuichi says. “You’re not the supreme leader for nothing,” she giggles, referencing an old inside joke the two made when they were kids.

Kokichi wipes tears away from his cheeks. “Yeah. I will be.”

Just then, the bus arrives. Shuichi and Kokichi pull away from each other.

“Text me when you get home, okay?” Shuichi says.

Kokichi sniffles. “Of course. I wouldn’t wanna worry my beloved Saihara-chan, right?”

“Of course not.”

Kokichi steps on the bus, still a sobbing mess. He looks at Shuichi through the window until the bus is too far away.

(Shuichi wouldn’t admit it to Kokichi, but she cried too. Just a little.) 

The walk back to the dorms is spent sulking and listening to her emo playlist.

Shuichi opens the door to her room and finds that her roommate has already arrived. She’s thankful that they didn’t choose to arrive at the same time; otherwise, that would’ve ended badly. It seems as if her roommate is in the middle of unpacking though, so she contemplates turning around and sitting in the lounge for a bit.

Before she can exit the room, her new roommate suddenly appears out of nowhere.

“Oh! You’re here! Shuichi, right?”

Shuichi nods. She stares at the girl in front of her, her bright pink hair absolutely distracting. “That’s me,” she says after a moment. “Shuichi Saihara.”

“Cool, cool. I’m your roommate, Kazuichi. Second-year engineering major. They pronouns, please,” Kazuichi says.

Shuichi raises a brow, confused. “Huh?”

“Y’know. Gender-neutral pronouns. I’m nonbinary,” Kazuichi answers simply. “I’m not a girl.”

Shuichi is still confused, but she nods anyway, not wanting to appear like an idiot in front of her -  _ them.  _ “Okay,” she answers. “I’ll do my best to remember.”

She remembers the LGBT club at her high school and seeing the educational flyers around the hallways explaining what each of the terms meant, although she admits she didn’t pay much attention to them. Shuichi just understood that people were simply happier loving who they wanted to love or being who they wanted to be. 

(She doesn’t recall seeing anything about ‘nonbinary’ though.)

Kazuichi flashes an ‘okay’ symbol before walking off once again. Shuichi sits down on her bed, ready to go to sleep for the night.

Just then, she receives a ‘goodnight’ text from Kokichi filled with an endless string of heart emojis letting her know that he made it home safely.

She misses him so much already. Shuichi’s not sure how she’s going to cope with not seeing Kokichi every day.

The rest of that week is lax for the most part. Shuichi attends orientations in the morning before heading to lunch with Kazuichi and some of their friends. Kazuichi seems like a sociable person with their outgoing and friendly personality. They all seem like nice people though.

Shuichi is grateful that she’s made a friend in Kazuichi and has gotten to know Kazuichi’s friends Sonia and Gundham, but she’s still nervous about college and her classes. She’s worried that she’s not smart enough or she’ll crumble under the pressure. She’d hate to disappoint her family, being a first-generation student.

It’s hard not to be anxious about it, especially after hearing so many horror students from high school teachers, but she’s fortunate enough that she got accepted for her major and has the opportunity to study here in the first place. She shouldn’t waste that chance and she should take advantage of this opportunity by trying to learn as much as she can.

On the first day of classes, Shuichi nervously walks around campus until she finds her lecture hall, already starting to smell like sweat and long blue hair frazzled. When she settles into her seat, she takes a quick glance at her phone to reply to Kokichi before putting it back inside her messenger bag.

Her first lecture is simple. The syllabus is passed around and the professor explains everything expected out of the students in the course. Shuichi follows along carefully and makes sure to take notes in the margins of the lecture handouts.

Before she knows it, the lecture is over and she’s off to her next lecture. She doesn’t catch a break until after all of her lectures are over at noon. She returns to the dorms feeling exhausted, her footsteps heavy as she drags her feet.

Upon entering her room, she finds Kazuichi laying on the floor face down. Shuichi yelps, startled. “Are you okay?”

Kazuichi groans. “I don’t think I’m cut out for college.”

Shuichi sets her things down on her desk and crouches down next to Kazuichi. “It’s only the first day. I’m sure everyone is feeling that way.”

“My syllabi are too thick. The homework is going to kill me.”

“Did you even bother reading the syllabi?” Shuichi asks.

Kazuichi shakes their head. 

“Well, there you go, that’s the first step,” she tells them. She gets up from the floor to grab Kazuichi’s disorganized stack of syllabi sitting on their desk and starts flipping through them. “A lot of these are just code of conduct things that the college requires in each of the syllabi. Only the first half is actually important. And, if you’re worried about the workload, there’s a class schedule that lists all of the assignments. It’s just a matter of balancing your time wisely.”

Kazuichi picks themself up from the floor and sits properly. They reach for the syllabus in Shuichi’s hand, and she hands it to them.

“Oh,” Kazuichi deadpans when they’re done flipping through it. “I guess I should’ve looked through it. Thank you for the help, dude!” Kazuichi raises their hand for a high-five, and Shuichi high-fives back.

Shuichi feels an odd sense of euphoria after being called ‘dude.’ It’s nothing new, really, but every time it feels nice.

After a quick nap, she wakes up to a phone call from Kokichi. It’s pretty late in the evening, and Shuichi wishes she’d done her homework instead of sleeping, but she’s sure she can work on it while on the call with her boyfriend.

“Hello?” Shuichi says, voice still laced with sleep as she tries to get up from the bed. 

“Shumai!” Kokichi says excitedly. “How was your first day of classes?”

Shuichi hums. “They went okay. My professors seem nice.”

Kokichi laughs. “Good! If anyone messes with my beloved Saihara-chan, they’re  _ definitely  _ going to catch these hands.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Shuichi says, though she knows her boyfriend is  _ mostly _ joking.

“You can’t stop me!” Kokichi retorts.

“No, but I’m sure the police will stop you.”

“You’re part of the police, Saihara-chan, you can always bail me out!”

Shuichi rolls her eyes, even though she knows Kokichi can’t see her through the screen. “I guess I can.”

Kokichi continues rambling, happy that he and Shuichi finally have time to talk together. Just hearing Kokichi’s voice always puts Shuichi in a good mood. 

The first few weeks pass by quickly, and every night starts to blend together in a blur. Shuichi holes herself up in her room studying for hours on end, determined to work hard and make sure her grades don’t slip. The workload has gotten more intense and she’s gotten used to sleeping late nights. Sometimes Kazuichi and Gundham join her on her study nights, but the two usually end up passing out early.

One day, Kazuichi suggests for Shuichi to join them at one of the LGBT club’s meetings.

“I feel like you’d fit in there,” Kazuichi says. “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back.”

“I’m not gay,” Shuichi answers abruptly. She backtracks, “Not that being gay is a bad thing!”

Kazuichi waves their hands in the air. “I didn’t mean it like that!” They sigh in frustration. “Sorry. I don’t know. I thought you might’ve been lonely so I wanted to introduce you to some other friends of mine. It’s where I met Sonia and Gundham.”

“Oh,” Shuichi says dumbly. It’s nice that Kazuichi has thought of them and is willing to help them make friends. “I mean… that sounds sweet. Thank you. When is the meeting?”

Kazuichi thinks for a moment. “Tuesday afternoon. Two-thirty. So, two days from now.”

Shuichi figures that if she could get most of her homework done before the meeting, she should be able to go. Kazuichi did say that she didn’t have to come back if she didn’t want to, and she trusts their judgment.

Lately, she’s been feeling homesick and overwhelmed. Kaede is halfway across the country studying music at a prestigious university while Maki is busy at nursing school. She hardly even gets to see Kokichi with how rough their weekly schedules are, mainly Shuichi’s schedule.

She deserves a break every once in a while.

“Alright. I’ll go with you,” Shuichi answers.

Kazuichi throws a fist pump in the air and cheers in excitement. “Sweet! I’ll tell my friends you’re coming along.”

Two days pass by faster than Shuichi thought they would. Kazuichi swings the door wide open on Tuesday afternoon, ready to pick Shuichi up.  _ Literally. _

“Shuichi!” Kazuichi sings. “It’s time to go!” They walk over to Shuichi’s desk and carry her over their shoulder as they start whistling something down the hallway, with Sonia and Gundham in tow.

Shuichi panics. “Put me down!” she says, kicking about. Some of the other residents in the dorm are giving them strange looks right now.

“Shut up, you nasty fucking pigs!” a girl with pigtails who looks like she’s in elementary school shouts. A woman with dark red hair puts a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down.

(Shuichi loves Kazuichi, she really does, but sometimes, they test her patience.)

Kazuichi ignores their request.

Not too long later, they reach the classroom where the club meeting is going to be held. Kazuichi finally puts Shuichi down once they reach the entrance. It’s nothing spectacular, it’s still a classroom after all. A few people are already in the room.

“Hey! Chiaki, Hajime!” Kazuichi says excitedly. They point to Shuichi. “Look, it’s Shuichi!” 

“Hey! Welcome to the club. I’m Hajime, he/him pronouns, and this is my friend Chiaki,” Hajime waves, introducing him and Chiaki. “We’re still waiting until the meeting actually starts at two-thirty, but if you’d like, you can sit down on one of the desks.”

Shuichi nods and follows Kazuichi to one of the open tables. “I’m a little nervous,” she whispers in Kazuichi’s ear. “Hajime seems kind of intimidating.”

Kazuichi laughs. “Oh, don’t worry. Everyone is super friendly, and Hajime is the best!”

“Hajime is a lovely acquaintance,” Gundham says. “He’s friendly toward everyone.”

“Okay.”

A few more people start to trickle in. Hajime greets each and every one of them with a warm, comforting smile. Once everyone has arrived, Hajime starts the meeting.

“We have a guest today!” Hajime says, clapping his hands together. “Do you want to introduce yourself? Say your name, pronouns, and a fun fact about yourself if you’d like.”

Shuichi nods and waves meekly. “Shuichi Saihara, she/her pronouns.”

“Shuichi?” a girl questions. “Isn’t that a boy’s name?”

Shuichi stands there nervously. “I’m not a boy.”

“Tenko, come on, you know we don’t say things like that here,” Kazuichi says with a groan. “Sorry about that.”

Shuichi shrugs. “It’s fine. I get asked this question a lot.”

Apparently, her parents originally thought she was a boy according to the ultrasound, but as they kept coming back for more appointments they’d learned otherwise. The name Shuichi had already stuck by then.

Shuichi doesn’t hate her name. She likes it a lot, actually. It’s not unpopular but it’s not completely common either. She feels as if her name just fits.

“Anyway, nice to meet you all,” Shuichi answers. “Kazuichi invited me here.”

“Cool, cool. Well, you already know me, I’m Hajime, he/him pronouns, but now you get to meet everyone else.”

The rest of the meeting goes well. Shuichi meets new people and learns new things. The topic of that day’s meeting is about the history of human sexuality, which was quite eye opening for someone like Shuichi.

She’s never really felt the need to identify or disclose her sexuality before, after all, she’s very much in love with Kokichi. She loves Kokichi a lot, and has loved Kokichi ever since they met when they were in diapers. While she’s only dated Kokichi and a few others from middle school like her friend Kiibo, she wouldn’t care all that much if she ever fell in love with a girl someday. 

After that meeting, she still doesn’t feel as if she needs to label herself, or the feelings she may have, but it’s nice to know that there is a wide vocabulary out there.

“So what did you think about the meeting?” Kazuichi asks.

Shuichi smiles. “I thought it was fun. I’ll come back with you again next week.” 

“Cool! I’m glad you had fun. Do you wanna head to dinner with us?” Kazuichi asks as they’re packing things up.

Shuichi nods. Sure, she should probably get back to studying even though she’s finished her work for the day, but she’s having fun and she doesn’t really want anything to end yet.

Kazuichi beams. “Sweet! We’ll head to my van.”

“I call shotgun!” someone shouts. Shuichi glances over to see that it’s Ibuki.

Soon enough, the group heads out into the freezing cold parking lot to head to Kazuichi’s van. Shuichi misses the warm weather. Just last week it was bright and sunny, but now it’s raining cats and dogs almost 24/7. Kazuichi takes the driver’s seat while Ibuki takes the passenger seat as promised. Sonia and Gundham sit in the middle row while Hajime, Chiaki, and Shuichi sit in the very back.

The drive to the diner doesn’t take very long. Once they arrive they sit down at one of the round tables. Shuichi peers over Kazuichi’s menu curiously. “What do you suggest?”

Kazuichi shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m in the middle of trying everything on the menu. I remember the chicken wings were good though!”

“Um, if I may,” Sonia suggests, “we could all share one of those sampler platters? Frankly, I’m having a bit of a hard time trying to decide myself.”

Kazuichi drops their menu, a slight blush creeping on their face. “Oh! I didn’t even think of that! Miss Sonia, you’re a genius!”

Sonia laughs slightly. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

In the corner of her eye, she can see Gundham sulking.  _ Could it be?  _ Obviously Shuichi doesn’t want to assume, but it’s obvious that Gundham is just a little bit jealous seeing Kazuichi act so enamored with Sonia. Plus, she’s seen the way that Gundham and Kazuichi curl up next to each other during their study nights.

Before she can think about it any further, a waitress stops by and takes their orders. 

The rest of the dinner goes smoothly. Shuichi doesn’t think she’s laughed this much in forever. She wishes that Kokichi was there to join in on the fun, but today has been a good day. They pile into Kazuichi’s van once again once they’re finished to head back to the dorms.

As soon as Kazuichi and Shuichi reach their room, Kazuichi immediately passes out on their bed. Shuichi decides to give Kokichi a call, hoping he’s not busy.

She sighs in relief when the phone call goes through after a few rings. “Hey,” she whispers as to not wake Kazuichi up.

“Saihara-chan!” Kokichi nearly screeches through the phone. “How are you, I missed you!”

“I’m okay. I’ve been busy with studying and other things… Today was a good day though. I visited the LGBT club earlier,” Shuichi says. “Kazuichi invited me, they said I would fit in.”

“Oh! That sounds fun!” Kokichi says excitedly. “How was it?”

“I think it went well. I might come back. Kazuichi’s friends are quite welcoming.”

Kokichi laughs, and Shuichi feels a pang in her chest. It’s been a while since she’s seen Kokichi in person, and she wants nothing more than to hug him right now. “I’m glad you’re making friends! Are you happy at college, Saihara-chan? Are you eating well?”

“I should be asking you that,” Shuichi says with a laugh. “But I think I’m doing alright. The work is hard, of course, but I’m surviving.”

“I know you can do it! You’re smart, Saihara-chan!”

“Thank you.”

They keep talking until sometime around midnight when Kokichi almost falls asleep. 

Shuichi wakes up one morning knowing it’s one of  _ those  _ days. One of those days where she won’t get anything done, where her motivation just  _ isn’t there  _ and she feels as if she doesn’t want to be in her own body. Thankfully, she doesn’t have classes today. Shuichi wastes her entire morning staring at the ceiling as her music continues to play through her earbuds, even though she knows she needs to study. Midterms are coming up in a few weeks, so she should be spending her time wisely.

She isn’t sure what to think. She’s never really  _ had  _ an issue with her breasts or the way she’s perceived as a girl. But today, something feels… off. Shuichi suddenly hates the way her figure is  _ like that.  _ Sure, she doesn’t like her body nor her breasts much. Every girl feels that way though. Shuichi would rather not think about it. Her discomfort is normal, right?

Kazuichi left shortly after they woke up, something about wanting to see Sonia and Gundham for breakfast. It’s just her wallowing all alone in her own room. As much as she wants to call Kokichi and tell him about his problems, she won’t. She loves Kokichi, she’s not going to complain over something that is so silly and childish. Shuichi would love to go back to sleep, but she can’t. She would hate to ruin her internal clock. 

Not too long after, her stomach starts rumbling. Shuichi sighs and stares up at her ceiling once again as she tries to force herself to get out of bed. But the thought of dragging herself to the cafeteria and back just to eat cheap, mediocre food doesn’t sound enthusing in the slightest.

“Come on,” Shuichi mumbles. “You know you have to eat.”

She tries pushing the covers off of her, hoping it’ll work. It doesn’t. Shuichi pulls the covers over her cold body once again, practically ready to give up for the day.

Days like these aren’t normal. But every time she has them, it feels as if all of her energy has been shot and she feels entirely useless.

Thankfully, she manages to power through, and the next morning, she feels slightly better about herself. It doesn’t last for long though. 

A few weeks later, Shuichi wakes up feeling uncomfortable in her own skin once again.

She can never really explain why she’s feeling like this, or why the feeling only seems to be getting worse. Either way, it’s fucking awful, and she wishes it would just stop already.

Shuichi is envious of people like Kaede and Kazuichi, who seem so… happy and confident of themselves no matter what. She wishes she could feel the same way.

She didn’t used to hate her body. She didn’t use to hate the feminine wardrobe she has in her closet right now. Hell, earlier this year she was fine wearing dresses when she went to school dances with Kokichi.

But now, the thought of wearing a dress, or anything even remotely feminine, makes her cringe. It makes her stomach churn and leaves an unsettling feeling in, well, everywhere.

She hates it.

She just wants to go back to how she felt before, instead of feeling the way she feels now. Shuichi isn’t even sure what brought this on all of a sudden.

Today she doesn’t have the luxury of staying in bed until noon. Today, she has to go to class. She has to go to lectures so that she doesn’t fail her exams, although she doesn’t want to.

She forces herself to get out of bed and steals one of Kazuichi’s hoodies to hide her figure.  _ I’ll just put it in their laundry basket later,  _ Shuichi thinks.

Her sour mood doesn’t exactly improve through the day. She can hardly pay attention to her lectures and most of her notes hardly make any sense to her, which only worsens her mood. When she gets back to her dorm after her classes, she accidentally snaps at Kazuichi, even though they don’t deserve it.

She immediately feels bad for it, but Kazuichi has already stomped out of the room by the time Shuichi can find the words to express just how sorry she is. Just because she’s having a bad day doesn’t mean she can take it out on everyone else. It’s hard for her to grasp that sometimes. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” Shuichi tells herself. “Why don’t you just keep your mouth shut?”

She screams in frustration and kicks around some of the stray things left on the floor.

Shuichi decides to take a nap, hoping that she’ll feel better when she wakes up, and hoping that Kazuichi isn’t too upset with her afterward.

By the time Shuichi wakes up from her nap, Kazuichi has already come back to the dorm and is holding a take out box and slurping noodles from it.

“Oh, hey, you’re awake!” Kazuichi says, their mouth still full.They grab an identical take out box sitting on their bedside table. “Want some?”

“Um… sure,” Shuichi says. “Hey, um. sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to snap like that.”

Kazuichi waves her off. They hand her the box and a pair of chopsticks. “Nah, don’t worry about it. We all have our rough days.”

“Still. I feel bad about it,” she says sheepishly.

“I know you do,” Kazuichi says with a sigh. “Forgive and forget.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Of course, dumbass. Now gimme a hug,” Kazuichi laughs.

Shuichi leans in for the hug.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kazuichi suggests. “I mean, I’m not great at advice, but I’ll be willing to listen?”

Shuichi murmurs under her breath before deciding, fuck it, it’s better to talk her issues out instead of bottling them up. “Okay.”

She starts rambling about her insecurities with her body and how her discomfort practically sucks out all of her motivation and energy. Her hands are trembling and she can feel herself starting to sweat.

“Hey, Shuichi, um,” Kazuichi says, “What if you tried dressing differently? Or maybe… a binder?”

Shuichi hums. “I don’t know… maybe I’ll think about it.”

Later that night, Shuichi goes online and starts ordering some new clothes. Thankfully she has a little bit of money to spare. She’d texted Kokichi earlier that evening asking for outfit suggestions and Kokichi had delivered, although some of those outfits were too outlandish for her taste.

As per Kazuichi’s suggestion, she also orders a chest binder. As silly as it may be, she wonders if this may be a solution to her… self-esteem issues. With every passing day, she feels worse and worse about her body and how she looks. Hell, she’s not even sure if she has any reason to feel this way. Perhaps she’s making everything up. Years and years of being indifferent toward her own body and suddenly, she’s having problems. None of it makes sense to her in the slightest. 

And sure, the binder won’t solve every problem she’s having but it’s a temporary solution. If she can’t see her chest, then she won’t have to worry about it.

But she still feels guilty that she would even consider buying a chest binder when she isn’t even sure about whether or not that she  _ is  _ transgender. 

The binder, along with all of the other clothes she ordered, comes in about a week later. It arrives when she’s in the middle of her lecture but as soon as she’s out, she rushes back to her dorm. Kazuichi isn’t back from their lecture yet, so Shuichi heads into the bathroom to make sure that Kazuichi doesn’t catch her.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if Kazuichi found her, she’s sure that they would be more supportive than most, obviously since they were the one that suggested the binder in the first place, but still. She’s not really all that comfortable with anyone else finding out just yet.

Shuichi takes a deep breath as she pulls her shirt and her bra off before attempting to slip her binder on. She looks at herself in the mirror and notices just how  _ flat  _ her chest is without it.

She ends up trying the rest of her clothes with her binder on.

Huh. Maybe a wardrobe change was all she needed after all.

Shuichi decides to change out of her new clothes once she’s done. But as she tries to wiggle herself out of the binder, she finds herself stuck inside it.

“Well, shit.”

Shuichi feels herself starting to panic. “Okay, calm down. You can get out of this.” She tries to pull the binder off, but to no avail. She looks like a pterodactyl right now with the way her arms are hanging over the end of the binder. She’ll have to ask for help if she wants to get out of this.

She tries to squat so that she can find her phone on the bathroom counter to call Kazuichi, but as she grabs it, her phone falls on her face and inside the binder.

_ Are you kidding me? _

Shuichi sighs deeply and tries to wiggle and flail her around, hoping that the binder will somehow magically pop off. She gets fed up with it eventually and just leans against the door, sliding down.

She hears a noise coming from the other side of the door and sighs in relief. Shuichi can’t even be bothered to care about her chest right now, she just wants to get out of this binder.

“Kazuichi? Is that you?” she calls out.

The voice on the other side of the door doesn’t sound like Kazuichi at all. “It’s Hajime, actually.”

“Hajime?!” Shuichi says, confused.

“Kazuichi wanted me to pick up some stuff for them before the club meeting.”  _ Oh yeah, there’s a club meeting today.  _ Shuichi can hear a clattering sound in the background. “I didn’t realize you were here. Kazuichi thought you were still in class.”

_ Maybe Hajime can help me out.  _ “No, I’m here.” She flails her arms around once more, trying to fumble for the lock on the door.

“Are you alright?” Hajime asks.

“Actually, can you help me? I’m stuck in something,” Shuichi says, embarrassed. She finally manages to reach the door handle and fiddles with it before unlocking it. 

Hajime is quick to help her out of the binder, and Shuichi sighs in relief.

“Thanks,” she says.

Hajime nods in acknowledgment. “First time trying one on?”

“Yeah…”

“I get it, it happened to me too the first few times. You get used to it eventually,” Hajime says, reassuring her.

Shuichi mumbles, “Thanks.”

“Hey, if you’re coming to the meeting, do you wanna walk with me?” Hajime asks. 

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” Shuichi grabs her jacket. “Let’s go.”

The two walk to the classroom together, mainly talking about the LGBT club and how it came to formation.

“I’m surprised there wasn’t a club before you started going to school here,” Shuichi comments.

Hajime laughs. “Yeah, I was surprised too. I started this club because I enjoyed my high school’s LGBT club and it’s where I realized I was trans,” he explains. “I already knew Kazuichi and Chiaki, which was the required minimum for a club. Eventually, more people started joining us, which was really nice because we could have a bigger budget and start doing more fun activities. I think at this point it’s a glorified hangout spot for us gay people, but I’m just glad that all of us have a place to lean on each other and salt for a bit.”

“That’s cool,” Shuichi answers.

Hajime hums. “I’ll be sad to leave this place. This year is going to be my final year of college.”

Shuichi looks at him, slightly confused. “I thought you were the same age as Kazuichi?”

“I had credits from high school, but also I took a lot of classes the year before… Anyway, I hope this club can stay together even after I’ve graduated,” Hajime explains.

“Well, I’m sure there are tons of members willing to be club president,” Shuichi quips.

“Ah, thank you, Shuichi.”

Shuichi smiles slightly. They reach the classroom not too long after that, and Hajime hands Kazuichi’s things to them before he starts the meeting.

“You coming with?” Kazuichi asks once the meeting is over.

Shuichi shakes her head. “I have other things to do before I head back to the dorm.”

“No worries. See ya later.” Kazuichi waves.

After everyone has left the room, Shuichi walks up to Hajime.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Hajime raises a brow at her. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Just as Hajime answers her, Shuichi no longer has the nerve to ask the question. She doesn’t have any business knowing Hajime’s gender identity and it would be rude to ask him for that information. Shuichi does want to learn more about what it's like to be trans or nonbinary, not out of malice but out of genuine curiosity. Everything Hajime has told her so far just  _ fits. _

“Um, never mind,” Shuichi says hastily. “Don’t worry about it, I think it’s too personal.”

“No, I’d be happy to answer any of your questions! We’re friends, it doesn’t matter.”

Shuichi still feels a little awkward about this. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course. What did you want to ask me?”

“Uh… how did you realize you’re…?” With every passing moment, Shuichi feels more and more embarrassed to ask him. 

“Not cis?”

Shuichi nods. 

“It’s kind of a long story. We could talk some other time if you’re busy right now?”

“Um, I have time but I don’t know if you’re busy or not.”

“No, I’m free to talk.” He zips up his backpack and puts it on. “Let’s talk somewhere else.”

Shuichi nods and follows Hajime out of the classroom. They end up walking for a bit until they reach the diner nearby.

Hajime and Shuichi settle into one of the booths in the corner, sitting across from each other. The waitress comes around a few minutes later handing them menus.

Shuichi flips through it back and forth for a bit before closing it.

“Did you decide?”

Shuichi shakes her head. “No. I’m not hungry.” She is, but if she tries to eat now, she’ll feel like her stomach is about to turn upside down. “I’ll order later.”

“That’s okay. I’ll order something light, wouldn’t wanna get kicked out for not ordering, right?”

Shuichi hums.

He orders a sandwich. It doesn’t take long for it to arrive, but once it does, Hajime starts talking.

“Where do you want me to start exactly?” Hajime asks. 

“I’m not sure,” Shuichi says with a shrug. All of this seems entirely complicated even though it shouldn’t be. “Was it something you’ve known throughout your whole life or is it something you noticed as a teenager?”

Hajime thinks for a moment. “A bit of both. Growing up there were signs here and there, like taking a pair of scissors and hacking my hair off during free time in Kindergarten and asking to wear the boys’ uniform instead of the girls. At first, I thought I was a lesbian. I had a crush on my best friend Akane. I didn’t actually think about my gender until I was roped in with a bunch of boys for a school field trip and I realized it felt better to be treated like one of the boys. I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, but that was the moment for me.”

“Ah,” Shuichi answers. “What about your name? Did you have to change it?”

“Not really. My name was gender-neutral and I liked it quite a bit. But, I did want to explore my options. I changed my name when I was fifteen,” Hajime explains. “Hajime is what my parents would have named me if I was born as a boy, and I liked it enough to keep it.”

Shuichi thinks about it for a moment. Would she be opposed to changing her name? Probably not, but Shuichi fits okay too. Plus, it’s already masculine enough. Going through the legal process to change her name doesn’t sound very fun either. “I think I like my name. I don’t think I would want to change it. Even then, I think I would probably trip up after using Shuichi for eighteen years.”

“I tripped up quite a bit when I first started using my name,” Hajime says. “It’s perfectly fine for you to mess up at times. If you ever change your mind, I’ll be happy to support you.”

Shuichi hums. “Yeah. Sorry, you don’t have to babysit me on this stuff. I’m sure I could’ve used Google.”

“You could’ve, but I enjoyed talking to you. It’s better talking to people face-to-face, and I would’ve greatly appreciated it if I had someone to talk to in person when I was first starting out. So don’t worry about it, I promise it’s not a bother at all.”

“Hajime, I, um…” Shuichi starts out nervously. “I think I’m a boy. Wait, no, I  _ am  _ a boy.”

Hajime laughs slightly. “I figured as much. I’m proud of you though.”

“Thank you,” Shuichi answers. It’s relieving to come out to someone like Hajime, someone compassionate and truly caring.

“No problem. If you ever need anything, I’m always around to help.”

Later, when they finish their dinner, Hajime and Shuichi stand up from the table and hug each other. Hajime gives nice, warm hugs.

He’s thankful for Hajime, and he’s glad that he’s gotten to know Hajime over the past few months that they’ve been in the club together.

On the weekend, Shuichi visits Kokichi like he always does. They’re staying inside Kokichi’s house, neither of them wanting to head outside. Shuichi is content with Kokichi’s company anyway.

He twirls his finger on the ends of Kokichi’s hair as Kokichi is taking a nap on Shuichi’s shoulder. It’s a little bit uncomfortable, but Shuichi can deal with it. One of Kokichi’s favorite movies is playing on the TV in the background, but Shuichi can’t find the TV remote to turn it off.

It’s fine though, even if he did find the remote, he wouldn’t want to move and wake Kokichi up from his peaceful slumber. The boy hardly sleeps enough as it is.

Shuichi is happy with Kokichi’s company. But even then, he still has a looming feeling in the back of his mind telling him  _ No, he’s going to leave you when he finds out who you are and what you’ve become.  _

It’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because Shuichi can’t imagine what it would be like without Kokichi by his side, as cliche and as lovesick as that sounds. Kokichi is his best friend, and has been his best friend, even before they started dating. If Kokichi decides he doesn’t want to love Shuichi anymore, then Shuichi would be losing his closest friend. The friend that knows all of his moods, the friend that knows - almost - everything about him.

Shuichi knows that if Kokichi doesn’t love him for who he is it means that Kokichi isn’t a good friend, but it’s still Kokichi. He’s always going to hold Kokichi close to his heart, as painful as that may be. No matter what, he’s always going to remember Kokichi, which is why he’s  _ so so  _ scared to even think about telling him something like this.

While Kokichi has said time and time again that he loves Shuichi and will love Shuichi no matter what, he’s still scared. He's a bit of a pessimist compared to Kokichi. For now though, he tries to enjoy each and every moment he gets with him.

Shuichi closes his eyes and decides to deal with his dilemma some other time, letting sleep overtake him.

Kokichi ends up waking him up by climbing over him. Shuichi winces when Kokichi presses down on his abdomen. “Ow, ow, what the hell?”

“Oh! Good morning, Saihara-chan, I was just going to get some water.”

“Well now I’m awake,” Shuichi mumbles, though he’s not too upset about it. “Do you want to get dinner now or are you going to eat when you get home?”

Kokichi hums. “Not sure.”

“We should probably eat now then. I don’t want you to forget later on,” Shuichi mumbles.

“Yeah, yeah, no need to mother me,” Kokichi says with an eye roll. “Alright, then, I’ll call for delivery.”

Once their food has been delivered, the two dig in. Kokichi steals Kazuichi’s chair from their desk and he sits across from Shuichi.

Shuichi doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite though, and he ends up watching Kokichi scarf down his food.

“You love me, right?” Shuichi blurts out. It’s a silly thing to ask, but he wants reassurance. 

Kokichi laughs. “Of course I do. I’ll always love my beloved Saihara-chan, no matter what!”

“Okay,” Shuichi answers.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Um… I guess… you remember the LGBT club right?” Shuichi asks.

“Yeah.” Kokichi pauses for a moment before speaking up again. “Saihara-chan, it’s okay if you like girls.”

Shuichi shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s something else, I think.” It’s a roundabout way of saying that he  _ thinks  _ he’s transgender, but oh well.

He’s terrified of coming out, even to someone like Kokichi, who has known him and stayed by his side for as long as he can remember. 

“Oh. Well, either way, I’ll like you for who you are.”

No matter what Kokichi says, Shuichi keeps thinking that if he really found out the truth he wouldn’t be as loving or as accepting. He’s heard the stories of how people were completely accepting until they found out someone they knew was trasngender or queer themself.

In the back of his mind, he thinks that Kokichi is just saying that. Like how a lot of people say things they don’t really mean. Shuichi  _ knows  _ he shouldn’t be thinking that way, but he can’t help it.

“Thanks, Kichi,” Shuichi mumbles.

“Always, Saihara-chan, now eat your food before I end up taking it,” Kokichi says, though he’s already leaning in to grab a piece of shrimp.

Shuichi finds himself distracted during the LGBT club meeting that week. Kazuichi and the rest of them are talking about things that they can do for the community, but Shuichi’s mind is elsewhere.

He wants to focus on what’s going on right in front of him, but it’s hard when his brain feels like a pan of scrambled eggs.

(Actually, he would kill for some scrambled eggs right now. His mother makes delicious scrambled eggs with cheese and garlic.

… Now’s not the time.)

Lately, all he’s been thinking about is what it would be like to come out. It seems as though all of his friends are out of the closet, and he’s envious of that. It’s a dumb thing to be envious over, especially since coming out is a personal experience and something that should be done on his own terms, but he wants to tell people. He wants to be proud of who he is and have the people around him proud of him as well.

Not even the LGBT club knows about his gender identity yet. He still hasn’t come out to Kazuichi either, just Hajime.

The rest of the meeting passes by in a blur. Kazuichi tells him that they’re going to hang out with Gundham and Sonia that evening, and that they’ll just meet him back at the dorm, dashing off before Shuichi can get a word in.

Once Kazuichi leaves with Sonia and Gundham, it’s just him and Hajime in the room.

“What are you thinking about?” Hajime asks as he slings his bag over his shoulder. “You seemed out of it today.”

“I… I need advice on how to come out,” Shuichi says, so quiet that he’s not even sure he actually said it. “Please.”

Hajime looks at him softly. “Of course. Who are you coming out to?”

“My boyfriend… Also my parents if I ever get the courage to do so,” Shuichi mumbles.

“Ah, yeah. Coming out to your parents is always difficult.” Hajime hums. “I remember being terrified to come out. My parents had already let me cut my hair and I bought a binder in secret. I’d been going to school as a boy for a year or two by then, but coming out to your parents is an entirely different thing.”

“Did they take it well?” Shuichi asks.

Hajime shrugs. “I think so. In my opinion, I think I was lucky. My parents weren’t overly supportive because they didn’t understand all that much, but they knew that this was something important to me. As frustrating as it was sometimes, they still tried their best to accept me.”

Shuichi has a good relationship with his parents. Neither of them seems like they would be the kinds of people to shun Shuichi.

“Tell me about your boyfriend, Shuichi,” Hajime says, cutting him out of his thoughts. “What’s he like?”

“Well,” Shuichi says with a laugh. “He’s silly. He’s fun to be around. Spending time with him always brings a smile to my face. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about him.” He could go on and on for hours about how much he loves Kokichi. “We’ve known each other since we were kids. Our parents introduced us to each other at the neighborhood playground. At first I didn’t like him much because he  _ literally  _ kept pulling on my pigtails. But we kept hanging out with each other and I’d grown to like him.”

Shuichi likes reminiscing about those days. It reminds him of a happier, simpler time when everything wasn’t complicated.

“You love him a lot, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“It’s scary coming out to the people you love,” Hajime says. “I wish we could live in a world where we didn’t have to come out and we could just… love whoever we wanted or be who we want to be, but that’s not coming any time soon.”

Shuichi takes a breath. He finds himself at a crossroads, unsure of whether or not it’s even worth it to come out, whether or not he should wait. Maybe it would be better if he just stayed in the closet...

“There isn’t a right or wrong answer here, Shuichi,” Hajime says truthfully, interrupting his thoughts. “Only  _ you  _ get to decide when you want to come out. Yes, coming out is difficult and you’re going to have to do it many, many times in your life. But once you overcome these hurdles, life gets a little bit easier.”

That makes Shuichi feel a little better. “Thank you, Hajime.”

“No problem. Again, I’m always here for you.”

Shuichi blows off his date with Kokichi the following Saturday. Kokichi keeps asking if he’s alright, to which Shuichi answers with aloof, one-worded replies.

He takes the bus to another town more than an hour away, hoping that others won’t see him. During the bus ride, he can’t do anything other than stare out of the window. His heart is pounding in his chest and his mind is seemingly restless.

Shuichi wishes he’d told Kokichi about his plan before he left, but he also wants to surprise his boyfriend with this. He knows it’s going to be a good surprise. 

When he gets off of the bus, he takes a walk down to the hair salon a block away. He shivers and exhales, not realizing it was this cold outside. He makes a mental reminder to buy some thicker coats the next time he goes shopping.

He reaches the hair salon and stands in front of the door for a few seconds before taking a deep breath. “You can do it,” he tells himself as he slowly pushes the door open.

Instantly, the hairstylist greets him with a friendly wave.

“Hey! Welcome! What can I do for you?” she asks.

Shuichi walks up to the front counter and hands his phone to her. It’s a simple, masculine haircut that could easily pass for a pixie cut if needed. She nods and Shuichi pockets his phone.

It starts as any normal haircut does, only this time Shuichi is filled with a lot more anxiety and nervousness. He does his best to close his eyes and avoid looking at the mirror, as he wants to be surprised at the end.

(It’s kind of silly, but whatever makes him happy.)

“Alright, I think we’re done here,” the hairstylist says when they’re done. “Take a look in the mirror and see how it fits.”

Shuichi looks up to see his reflection. He looks… different. Good different. He’s happy. He looks like a boy, and it’s one step closer to getting where he wants to be. He runs his hands through his hair. It  _ literally  _ feels like a weight has been lifted off of him.

He takes a look at the floor under the chair, and  _ wow,  _ he didn’t realize just exactly how much hair he used to have.

“D’you like it?” she asks him.

Shuichi smiles brightly. “Yeah. I do.”

“Sweet!”

He pays for the haircut and makes sure to give her a good tip. 

When he takes the bus home, he spends the entire ride taking pictures of his new haircut. He doesn’t normally take pictures of himself, his phone is filled with pictures of Kokichi, daily reminders, or pretty sunsets. But now that he’s had his haircut, he doesn’t mind taking pictures. It’s relieving. He likes the way his haircut is framing his face.

Shuichi sends a few pictures to Maki and Kaede as well as his parents before turning his phone off. He’ll figure out what to tell them later.

The monitor hanging over the bus beeps, and Shuichi looks up to see the university’s name displayed on it. He pulls the string to let the driver know that’s his stop and not too long after, he hops off.

“Thank you,” he says quickly to the driver.

He unlocks his dorm room to find Gundham and Kazuichi lying down on Kazuichi’s bed, with Gundham stroking Kazuichi’s messy hair which has since faded from the time they first met. They jolt when they hear the door open, turning around to face Shuichi, and their mouths drop when they see him standing in the doorway.

“You… hair?!” Kazuichi says, ever so eloquently.

“Hair,” Shuichi deadpans.

“I think it looks wonderful on you, Shuichi,” Gundham says politely. “It suits your face nicely and you look quite handsome, if I say so myself.”

“Thank you.”

Shuichi isn’t used to this much praise from anyone other than Kokichi. It feels warm, welcoming. He feels grateful that he has friends that appreciate him for who he is. He thinks of the LGBT club, and he feels like they would appreciate his haircut too.

“I like your hair!” Kazuichi blurts out.

“Thank you too, Kazuichi.”

Shuichi takes a quick shower to clean off the hair left on his body before lying down on his bed. He’s tuckered out from today, he hadn’t realized the bus rides were going to be so tiring. His eye catches on the polaroid of him and Kokichi taped to his wall and remembers  _ ah shit, I gotta text him. _

He pulls out his phone and quickly types out a message.  _ Do you think we can see each other tomorrow instead?  _ Shuichi texts. He’s not really expecting a reply right now, but surprisingly, he texts back ten minutes later.

_ You’re lucky I’m not asleep yet, Saihara-chan. Of course we can see each other tomorrow!  _ Kokichi says.  _ What time? _

_ Any time works for me. I’m not doing anything since I finished my homework. _

_ I’LL RIDE THE FIRST BUS!!!!! I LOVE YOU SAIHARA-CHAN!!!!!  _ Kokichi texts back, along with a love meme and countless heart emojis.  _ I’M EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN :D GOODNIGHT! _

Shuichi texts back a ‘<3’ and ‘You too, Kichi. Goodnight, sleep well.’

They meet up where they normally meet each other, in front of the dorm entrance. It’s absolutely freezing, but Kokichi wasn’t kidding when he said he would take the first bus at  _ six in the fucking morning.  _ Shuichi wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled an all-nighter the night before even though he said ‘goodnight.’

Kokichi gasps when he sees Shuichi’s haircut.

“Your - ”

“Yeah, yeah, my hair, I know,” Shuichi says. He fiddles with the end of his hair as he starts to shiver, suddenly nervous. 

“I love it,” Kokichi says softly. “I think it makes you look cute, Saihara-chan.” He kisses Shuichi’s forehead, standing on his tip-toes. “But you’re always cute to me.”

Shuichi blushes. “You’ve seen me when I wake up in the morning. You know that’s not true.”

“It’s very true,” Kokichi says. “When have I lied to you?”

“You lied to me about breakfast the other day. You lied to me about finishing your homework. You’ve lied to me about sleeping,” Shuichi lists. “Should I keep going?”

“No, no.” Kokichi huffs. “I’m not lying right now though.”

“I know you aren’t.” Shuichi smiles slightly. “I always know when you’re lying.”

Kokichi rolls his eyes, though he doesn’t look mad in the slightest. “And here I thought I could fool my beloved Saihara-chan.”

“You know you can’t.”

Kokichi sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry. “Anyway, what are you doing today?” 

“Not much. I just really wanted to see you,” Shuichi admits. “I don’t think I’m up for going outside today.”

“That’s okay,” Kokichi says. He grabs onto Shuichi’s hand, and they head inside the dorm building, where the warmth of the heater greets them.

They walk back down to Shuichi’s room, and every step feels like chains have been attached to Shuichi’s feet as the guilt and nervousness clouds him. He fumbles around with his keys before unlocking the door, and the two sit on Shuichi’s bed.

Kokichi sits cross-legged as he faces Shuichi.

_ Now or never,  _ Shuichi tells himself. “Kokichi,” he mumbles softly.

“Yeah?”

“I, um…” Shuichi is still extremely nervous, he can’t stop shaking. He’s ready to chicken out and just drop the whole thing, but he tells himself to stay strong. It’s just Kokichi, and Kokichi loves him no matter what. There’s no reason for him to doubt that, as hard as it may be for Shuichi to believe that.

Kokichi notices his nervousness and immediately reaches over to put his hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong, Saihara-chan?” he asks.

Shuichi takes a deep breath. “I’m… I’m a boy.”

Kokichi stares at him but doesn’t say anything. Shuichi starts to panic.

“I only realized it recently, when I went to the LGBT club. My friend Hajime was talking about his experiences with being transgender… and I thought that maybe I might feel the same way. I think I do? I know I’m happier looking like a boy and all but - ” Before Shuichi can keep on rambling, Kokichi hugs him. He hugs him so tightly that Shuichi nearly falls off of the bed.

Shuichi can only blink at him. “Huh?” 

“I’m proud of you, Saihara-chan. So proud of you,” Kokichi whispers.

Shuichi can feel his cheeks growing warmer. “Ah… thanks.”

“I love you. I’ll always love you, Saihara-chan. You’re my boyfriend now!” Kokichi says excitedly.

It’s not something he sees often - a real, genuine smile from Kokichi, one without a white lie behind it, but every time he does see one, it makes him happy. 

Shuichi laughs slightly. “Boyfriend… I like the sound of that.”

Kokichi stands up from the bed and opens the window. “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW,” he shouts, causing passerbys outside of Shuichi’s dorm to look at Kokichi strangely.

“Kokichi!” Shuichi yelps, tugging on his boyfriend’s collar. “Not so loud!”

“Oops, sorry,” Kokichi says, although he’s not apologetic in the slightest. “I’m just happy for you.”

“Thanks… It means a lot.” 

Shuichi buries himself in Kokichi’s chest. He’s incredibly lucky that Kokichi is here, and now that he’s come out to him, he feels unstoppable, ready to take on the world.

It’s exhilarating.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me [here](https://patchworklove.carrd.co), but please be patient with me, socmed sucks and isn't very good for my mental health (insert broken heart emoji here)
> 
> comments, kudos, and bookmarks are well appreciated!


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